I make it no secret that I live with anxiety and depression. I was initially diagnosed with seasonal depression back in 2012. I realized pretty quickly that it wasn’t just seasonal and I needed to stay on a low dose of medication year round. I’ve also had a struggle paying attention. A few years ago I went to a psychiatrist thinking I had just never been diagnosed with ADHD, and it turns out it was undiagnosed anxiety. She called anxiety and depression “evil twins.” I couldn’t agree more, because boy are they EVIL!
Well, we’re only 6 days into knowing we’re expecting and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. Those headaches and runny nose I was having were actually a sign of pregnancy, but now I’m up all night coughing. On top of not sleeping well at night because of the cough, I’m now 5 weeks and all I want to do is lay down. The tired is real. The tired is turning my mental illness into delirium. My emotions area all out of wack. I can’t take anything other than cough drops and Tylenol. My anxiety tells me the baby is going to die, which is so irrational. I started crying this morning as I prayed for God to help this little one make it to delivery. I know a cough can’t kill a baby so small it looks like a tadpole, but apparently my brain has no space for rational thinking right now. I don’t like that this post is turning into a rant, but I do think it is important to talk realistically about mental illness and the fears that it brings.
One thing that does make me feel better is reading this cliche book:
So here’s to anxiety/depression/pregnancy. The true trifecta for a whirlwind of emotions. Cheers! (Without wine, of course)