Nobody prepares you for the tired. People tell you about barfing and the not being able to touch your toes, but nobody talks about the tired. I took the elevator to the second floor today. That tired. Tuesday I went to lunch with Susan from work and she let me nap at her house for an hour and a half. These are the things I never want to forget. People going out of their way to help me. It takes a village, and mine is great.

My hormones have been all over the place. With me having this cold I’ve been even more emotional. I came home from work on Tuesday and James and I decided I needed to go to urgent care. I knew I couldn’t take most over the counter medications, and needed relief. After I cried for 30 minutes for no known reason I got my keys and headed for the door. James, the saint that he is, stayed behind because he said he wanted to have the kitchen clean. After some more tears because, come on, how perfect is he? I left for urgent care.

They took me back and then James texted me and said he was outside and wanted to know if he could come back to sit with me. Ya’ll. How did I get so lucky? I know I’ve been crying a lot lately, but GUSH!! The PA came in and affirmed that colds are much worse during pregnancy. I know that now, but this is another example of something people don’t prepare you for. She also said pregnancy induced anxiety is a thing. It’s all starting to come together. Something about having her validate my feelings was exactly what I needed. She told me to take Tylenol, a nasal saline wash, and eat honey. Even more than her tips, I think I needed her validation that I’m not going crazy.

They didn’t confirm the pregnancy, but I also didn’t ask. I’m trying to sit in this liminality of not knowing what will happen. I pray that everything will be ok and that I’ll make it to 9 months and be able to take home a little squish, and I also pray that if that isn’t in the cards God will prepare my heart for loss. Its may seem morbid, but having served as a chaplain in labor and delivery and the NICU I’ve seen loss. I know its real and I know nobody is immune.

We told my mom, Caroline, and niece last night. Their excitement was so sweet. Charlotte (my niece) will be 2 when the baby is born and the thought of her holding my little one brings me so much joy. I’m still trying to remind myself I’m growing a human and James and I keep trying to remind ourselves we are going to be mom and dad, but for now we’re just happy that our mini van is growing. This is week 5 and here’s the stats on our little one:

Baby is as big as an appleseed and resembles a tadpole.

Baby approximately measures .13 inches.

Baby is starting to form major organs like heart, stomach, liver, and kidneys!

Apparently by next week baby will double in size! GROW, MINI VAN, GROW!

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