8 weeks… but not really

I spent the last weekend in March at our youth ministries annual beach retreat. I told two people on the trip that I was expecting, but that really wasn’t a lot considering we brought 104 students and 40 adult leaders. I felt nauseous most of the weekend and definitely tired. I was actually able to slip away for about two hours on Saturday for a much needed nap. SCORE! The way home was a little more rough. I felt very sick and wasn’t sure if I’d make it back to Raleigh without barfing on the charter bus. All good signs though, right?

We couldn’t wait for our 8 week ultrasound on Tuesday, April 2. I was so excited to have a “picture” of our kid and finally start to tell more people. When we got to the office I peed in a cup so they could check my HCG hormones. My hormone levels looked great and after having my weight, blood pressure, and a few other quick things done we were headed for the ultrasound room. The nurse practitioner started the ultrasound on my belly, but the baby was still too small to see so she quickly switched to transvaginal. I saw the gestational sac before she even pointed it out. What a cool thing to see. She then pointed to the baby and noted that the baby was measuring only 6 weeks, 5 days. This was a red flag, but not too scary as it could just mean that I have a a longer cycle. She then moved the camera around a few more times and my whole world shattered when she uttered: “I don’t see or hear a heartbeat. I’m really nervous.”

I don’t see or hear a heartbeat. I’m really nervous.”

The NP is nervous? I knew exactly what this meant. Our minivan was gone. We were supposed to have an intake after the ultrasound and instead she gave me a rag to wipe the goo off and told me it was ok to get dressed. She stepped out of the room and my eyes filled with tears. James and I both exchanged a panicked look. “What are we going to do?” I asked.

When our NP walked back in the room she saw my tears and gave me a tissue. She had already scheduled a follow up appointment for next Tuesday. This would begin the longest and worst week of my life. James grabbed my hand and said, “What are we going to do? We’re going to get through this together. Let’s go get brunch.”

We’re going to get through this together.”

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