Living into Loss

When we left the appointment I naively thought we would go to brunch and then I’d head into the office. Instead, I cried on the way to brunch, cried when James prayed, and then went home and cried for the remainder of the day. I texted all of the people we had told as calling them would be too painful. In my head I wanted James to be free to go to work, but in my heart I knew I needed him. He offered to stay and I jumped at the idea. We snuggled and cried for hours.

Wednesday morning I quickly realized I also wasn’t going to be able to go to work. I was glad I had told people close to me about losing the baby. They began checking in on me daily and I really needed it. I was supposed to staff Kaleidoscope, a conference youth event, that weekend and knew it wasn’t safe for me to be away that long. I emailed my conference youth family and they supported us like only a Christian community can do.

Thursday I made it to a therapist. I basically cried the whole time because I was in the middle of the trauma. Honestly, she wasn’t the best therapist, but I was at the point where I was so emotionally devastated that anyone would do.

Friday was the first day I didn’t cry. James took off work early to help me drive some of my middle schoolers to Kaleidoscope. Arriving at Camp Don Lee was like seeing family. I was able to have people love and support me when I couldn’t even speak out loud what was happening to my body. THAT is the body of Christ. I can’t explain what they did to make me feel better. Its just the way they loved on us. Its the way they didn’t say anything and I knew from their silence that they understood. They had already sent us flowers and a grubhub giftcard. Now seeing them in person meant I was looking into the eyes of people who embodied what a Christian community does when a friend is in crisis.

The weekend was a blur and I just couldn’t wait until Tuesday. I made it to staff meeting Monday only to wonder why the hell I was there. The church staff has been WONDERFUL during this traitorous time. It’s not the way they acted its just that everything I encountered during the meeting felt trivial. All I wanted to do was cry and instead I was recapping the weekend and talking about our church database. I immediately left and cried the whole way home.

James and I met at the OB clinic on Tuesday ready to confirm the inevitable. The nurse practitioner was delicate with her words, but we already knew what the ultrasound would read. The baby measured just as small as it did the week before and although I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant and feeling every bit of the hormones and nausea, our baby still had no heartbeat. It was a weird relief. We could finally set a date and I would be able to stop feeling pregnant with a baby that wouldn’t make it to delivery. Friday at 9:30 I was to arrive at Duke for a D&C. I needed this closure.

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