The Box

I peed on a test and my whole world changed. There is no denying that holding onto a pee stick was weird, but I didn’t want to get rid of it. In fact, I peed on another the next day to make sure it was still real. Now what? What do I do with these little sticks with two pink lines? I decided to put them in a ziplock and toss it in a drawer.

A week later and I picked up two sweet baby shoes from the store. I couldn’t wait to put them on the feet of our November baby. Shortly after, we told our parents about our baby and the excitement really took off. I told them of our plans to decorate the nursery with all things “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.” Gender specific things annoyed me and this felt perfect. My mom sent me a caterpillar rattle, my sister sent me a box of adorable pacifiers and onesies. Everyone around me was feeding into my already overwhelming excitement.

A few weeks later my whole world fell apart. “There is no heartbeat.” I chose to be open about this horrific loss. I’m so grateful I told so many people because I was able to see the church actually BE the church. My seminary friends sent me a necklace and a bible verse. My youth ministry friends sent me dinner, books, and flowers. Our small group provided meal after meal after meal. Cards came in the mail almost every day. In the midst of the most horrific month of my life I was surrounded in love.

Now what do I do with all of these incredible things? What do I do with the pregnancy test? What do I do with the rattle, the pacifiers, the adorable booties? What do I do with the beautiful necklace, the program from the memorial service, the Christmas ornament for our sweet pea? My therapist recommended a box. So thats what I did. I bought a memory box, gathered all of these priceless possessions together, and now call it our “baby box.”

The baby box is in our living room and will likely stay there forever. I look at it every day and sigh as I dream of what might have been. I occasionally open it up and sift through memories of our little one and our friends who provided us with love when we needed it most. I have all of these items “boxed” up perfectly, but my love for our baby– I’ll never box that up. I’ll wear my love for our sweet pea on my sleeve forever.

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