Dear Sweet Pea,
I’ve wanted to write you for a long time. I’ve wanted to put into words just how much you mean to me. I talk about you all the time, but I rarely talk to you. I’m sorry and I’ll try to do better.
I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, and that is ok. I actually wanted to wait until you were born to find out, but your dad felt otherwise. If you were a boy you were going to be named after mine and your dads maternal grandfathers. If you were a girl we were deciding between Mable and Cecilia. Even after you died I wondered if I needed to pick your name, but you picked it yourself. I checked my phone to see how big you were getting every week. The week you passed you were the size of a sweet pea. Your sweet size, your sweet innocence, you’re perfect. My little sweet pea.
I wanted to decorate your nursery with all things “Very Hungry Caterpillar.” I picked out everything. I got ahead of myself and set up a registry for you on Amazon where I chose all the adorable Caterpillar items. Your Grandma even bought caterpillar fabric to make your quilt. You would have looked so sweet laying on it, but your time on earth was short. Your Aunt Caroline bought you cute onesies and pacifiers. I bought you cute booties. We were so excited to hold you, but I’m the only one who got that privilege. When you passed I couldn’t even look at a caterpillar without falling into a puddle of tears.
Your cousin, Charlotte is a goof. You would have loved getting to know her. She would have taken you under her wing and shown you how to jump and play. Don’t worry baby, she’s going to grow up knowing about you. I’ll make sure of it! Aunt Casey was so excited when she found out about you. I could hear her smile through the phone. Aunt Marissa and Uncle Jon have been so good at taking care of me and your dad. You would have been close to their girls, they’re your God sisters! Baby, I was so excited for you to meet Aunt Emily and Aunt Megan. They’re your God Mothers. We had everything prepared for you. Your God Mothers were excited to hold you at your baptism, teach you about Jesus, and raise you to be a strong child of God. I know they didn’t get to do any of these things, so trust me when I tell you their hearts broke when you passed. The day we learned your heart stopped they came over and cried with us. We already decided if something happened to your dad or I they would take care of you. Instead the opposite happened. Aunt Emily and Aunt Megs helped put us back together when you went to be with Jesus.
Honey I had no idea you were sick. Your chromosomes formed wrong and you were terminally ill. I held you in my body for your entire life. I didn’t know until you were gone how much I loved you. I complained about feeling sick and I complained about feeling tired. I would do it all again in a heartbeat just to honor you more fully every day. I didn’t know someone so small could teach me a love so deep. I didn’t understand my feelings when you were gone. I had to learn that these feelings were love. These feelings were the love of a mother. You’re my first baby. You made me a mother. I know you aren’t my first born, but you’ll always be my first. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, and trust me that will never change.