*O*N*E*

My dearest Pea,

ONE! You should be one! In reality we have no idea when you would have been born. Your little brother was born 4 days after his due date, so I imagine you would have done something similar. It is so hard to put a name on this day. I’ve been calling it your birthday, but it feels weird to celebrate a birthday when you didn’t get to be born. The bottom line is you’re a real person and we’ll celebrate you on this day forever.

I asked your dad about this day. What do we call it? I’ve racked my brain to come up with a name for the anniversary of your due date and keep coming up dry. Your dad had the most eloquent words. “Why does today need a name? Why can’t we just use this day to eat cake and celebrate life!” So today thats what we’re doing!

Your little brother, Emmett, and I went out this morning to pick up your cake. Its chocolate with a green glaze. I’m sure if we were celebrating your birthday with you in person it would look different. I’d give anything to watch you dig your precious hands into that cake and smear it all over your face. As we pass holidays and birthdays without you here the pain doesn’t stop. I keep trying to find ways to honor you and keep your memory alive. I bought Emmett a shirt that says “Brother to an Angel.” Although theologically I’m not convinced you have wings or anything, you truly are my angel. Nobody can take you away from me. You never did anything wrong, you brought me so much joy, and you made us parents.

Loving you is so easy to do. When I look into your brothers eyes often wonder what yours would have looked like. One thing I know for sure is I’d look at you with the same adoration as I do him. I still bounce between stages of grief and I still experience anger that you had to leave us so soon. Today, however, we celebrate you. Happy first birthday, Sweet Pea!

XOXO,

Mom

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