I got a tattoo on my arm to memorialize my precious Sweet Pea. I knew that if I had a piece of art on my sleeve I could show the world how I was loving my first babe from the inside out. I knew if James and I had more children this would be the only way I could hold both of my kids at once.
I remember when our Pea’s little brother was born. It was such a strange time. I felt more alive and more invigorated than ever before. I finally had my moment. I held both of my kids in my arms. It was every bit as precious as I imagined. The imagery was breathtaking and heartbreaking at the same time. I was holding a perfect little boy in my arms while grieving the kid that never took a breath. I knew this was only the introduction to what parenting after loss would feel like.
Sweet Pea’s baby bro is now 8 months old. He wiggles and laughs and always makes me smile. He loves cheerios and sweet potatoes– anything he can put in his mouth, really. A few days ago he was squirming on the couch when he looked down and saw my tattoo on my arm. He paused, and I did too. He patted it and licked it. He noticed. I knew this day would come and here it was. Is this what it feels like for my kids to notice each other?
Then it hit me. How am I going to tell this precious little boy that he isn’t our only child? Will I wait until he asks about the tattoo? Will I wait until he sees the cross stitch I made? Will I wait until he sees the Dutch birth tile of the child who never saw birth? Will I wait at all? All I have are questions at this point. Maybe thats ok. Maybe I don’t have to know. Maybe things will come as they come. Maybe the Holy Spirit will lead me to introduce these siblings to each other. Right now I think I just need to sit and enjoy the feeling of tears in my eyes as I watch my youngest babe notice.