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It had been 6 months since our Sweet Pea died before I felt ready to conceive again. The trauma was intense. It wasn't limited to the grief of my first kid. It also included post partum depression and a feeling that I'd never even wanted another child. After months of therapy, a move to another… Continue reading Pregnancy After Loss: PTSD

There is a question many loss parents ask. "Will we ever get pregnant again?" Some families have spent thousands of dollars on IVF just to have their little one pass in an instant. Some families have a child who is born still and wonder if the pain of loss is worth risking again. As for… Continue reading Time Doesn’t Heal

Thankful. Thats a word I never thought I'd write on this blog. There isn't much to be thankful for in the loss of a child, so this year when we sat around the table full of turkey and stuffing I had to think very critically about what I would say. We are so blessed to… Continue reading Thankful

Oh my precious sweet pea-- We've made it. Well... sorta? All parents long for this day. The day when you're so pregnant and your feet are so swollen and you're so ready to get the baby out of your body. When I started writing about us I knew I wanted to document everything about our… Continue reading On Your Due Date,

I carried our mini van in my body for ten weeks. The last two weeks were the worst as I knew our sweet pea had already passed. I wanted other people to see me and not be weird. I wanted them to understand, yet I also didn't want them to have to understand. Nobody should… Continue reading From the Inside Out

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. What once was a day that felt insignificant now gives me reason to mourn and share with others what it feels like to be 1 in 4. 1 in 4. That's 25%. That's me. It's basic math. There was a 3/4 chance I'd be 36 weeks pregnant… Continue reading Wave of Light

Dear Sweet Pea, I've wanted to write you for a long time. I've wanted to put into words just how much you mean to me. I talk about you all the time, but I rarely talk to you. I'm sorry and I'll try to do better. I don't know if you are a boy or… Continue reading Dear Sweet Pea

I peed on a test and my whole world changed. There is no denying that holding onto a pee stick was weird, but I didn't want to get rid of it. In fact, I peed on another the next day to make sure it was still real. Now what? What do I do with these… Continue reading The Box

Every mom dreams of holding their child. The first cry, the first skin to skin, the first nap on mom's chest. I hear all the time women say, "hold them while they're still little." There are arguments about holding and rocking your children to bed when they really should be self soothing. You wonder what… Continue reading Held

I've read so much on grief. Even before our minivan died inside my body I studied grief as a pediatric chaplain. I always saw the loss of a child to be the worst possible thing, and now I know that to be true. When you study grief you hear so many things. See a therapist,… Continue reading Change Is Good